This is why I worry about the education of todays children growing up in good old England, run under a decaying government. At the risk of sounding somewhat ego-driven here given that I am a fussy bastard, I truly worry for this nations children when my 14-15 year old neice sends me the following email. After a single split second glance I returned the email stating pretty much what the above picture states. Continue to speak like a twat, and you’ll end up failing everything – including life.

dude can you send me the pictures where your pg teddies have holes in them
or what not!!!
pleaseee!!
the one you have at work!!
you they had gun shots in emm!!
an wahh nott!!
pleaseeeeee!!

loll and ahhh ahahaha
omgg guess wahhh the bopizz fingiee has changeedd!
heheheh and my skwll is not that goodd!! but i am trying!!
for my science test i got 23 out of 50 – which is a d!!

sos but fankss!!! and ahhhh i carnt help itt!! loll
wen you coming down and don’t worry i wont let yyour dad near my fish tank!!
so thta aint and excuse!! lollll

Day After Tomorrow Fans, eat your heart out! Source: NASA

lol all you want!

[Kainz] I HAVE DONE A BAD THING POEPLE
[PR|PC] You’ve sent another email?
[Kainz] Noes
[Kainz] I has used HAIR COLOUR
[Kainz] stuff
[Dead] pink?
[PR|PC] LOL
[Dead] pics!
* Kainz slaps Dead around a bit with a debeaked headcrab
[PR|PC] JUST FOR MEN!
[Anty] just for indians
[PR|PC] lol
* Kainz slaps Anty around a bit with a debeaked headcrab
[Kainz] Shup tarts!
[Kainz] my sideburns itch and i cannot touch em
[PR|PC] “Hi Darren, look I’ve just seen that email you drunkenly sent to me on Friday, and it’s ok, I understand it was a mista…. have you coloured your hair?!”
[Anty] just for men targets only the grey for that natural look
* Kainz slaps PR|PC around a bit with a debeaked headcrab
[PR|PC] “Because he’s worth it”

Going off Mr.Anty’s suggestion that I check out Chicago Town Pizza, I decided to do just that! I am a big pizza fan me, somewhat of an addict to be truthful. Hell I’ve even got my girlfriend addicted to the stuff! Anyway erm, on to the er feature…

Requirements:

• A Microwave oven
• £1.00
• A sharp knife

Preparation:

Rip open the packaging and lob the box in to the nearest bin. You won’t be needing it as you’ll no doubt be eating both pizzas anyway! Carefully remove both pizzas from their packaging as you really don’t want to disturb and dislodge the top quality toppings that adorn the surface of your pizza.

Cooking:

Right, if you have an 800 watt microwave then set you’re looking at longer cooking times, and this is where things get odd. The packaging states 3 minutes for an 800 watt oven. If you do this then your pizza will be grossly overcooked so keep an eye on the thing and remove it when you think the time is right.

Normally 1 minute 10 seconds is enough. It depends on if you purchase a thin crust Chicago Pizza or a deep pan one, which obviously requires slightly longer cooking time…I assume…

Place the pizza on the magical cooking plate and place both on to an appropriately sized saucer. Set your microwave to approximately 1 minute 10 seconds or so. Keep an avid eye on your pizza as the magical cooking plate’s properties nuke your food to perfection rather rapidly.

Once you are satisfied that your pizza has been ‘nuked’, remove it from the oven and allow it to rest for about 30 seconds as the thing is still cooking after removal.

Voila! The last photo below shows a successfully nuked pizza! Devour asap, and then cook the second one as you nom nom away!

So I’ve decided to do my own cooking feature! It is well known that I am a protein junky. I’m mad about getting quality protein into me, but sometimes…I just can’t be arsed. So, I shall pay homage to the RUSTLER CHICKEN BURGER!

Requirements:

• A Microwave oven
• £1.00
• 2 Slices of cheese (none of that dairylea fakeness, I used Edam!)

Preparation:

Rip off the packaging and place burger onto your plate with special advanced cooking ‘plate’. Place burger with cooking plate into your microwave oven. Grab two slices of cheese. Here you see I have two quality slices of EDAM.

Cooking:

Right, if you have an 800 watt microwave then set your burger to cook for 1 minute 10 seconds.

If your microwave has a lower wattage than this, go and buy a damn new one because you’re not using enough of earth’s precious resources, and no you cannot oven cook these things either. Actually you probably could but it would most possibly taste godawful.

Whilst your wait for your minute to pass, go and have a cigarette, make a  sandwich or if you’re PR – eat a bag of icing sugar.

Carefully remove the cooking plate with the burger still on it, and place onto your plate. Remove the cooking plate and lob into the bin. Now here is the tricky bit, you need to get a slice of cheese under the chicken steak and then on top of the steak too. Use a knife to assist you move the piping hot burger so you can place the cheese appropriately.

Replace the bun on top and enjoy! There, didn’t take long did it?!

It’s that time of the year again folks!

Time to give florists extra business. So break out those Tesco’s Valentines Cards, grab some flowers and show your loved one just how much they mean to you by printing out one of these gorgeously crafted cards.

So what have I gone and done? Well I’ve gone and bought a USB Moo Moo cow for Deena and I. "A what?" I hear you ask. Well it’s a bit hard to really describe properly. Check this YouTube vid to see how it works.

Moomoo is a USB-enabled cow that lives on your desk, and is somehow attached to software that lets it communicate with a second Moomoo cow. If you push a button on Moomoo, its companion (ideally located in close proximity to your special someone) will moo at them and start glowing.

For Christmas, Deena gave me a Xbox 360 title that turned out to be the one game I’ve been avoiding – Call of Duty 4!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!